I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
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