How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
bring money and cleavage
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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