Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
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I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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