Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
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