My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
