Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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