Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He? As in you personified your dick?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
