I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
We left an ass print on the piano.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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