Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
