So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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