I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize