I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
