I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
