i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
