not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
