My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
