I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
