meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
