im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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