who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
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He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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