youre lurking in front of me
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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