Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
