Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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