drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
