very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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