My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
