Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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