I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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