if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
