Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
