Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Pants are for mortals
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
