Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Randomize
