Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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