operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
