i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize