I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
