maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
