If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
