dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
