Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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