Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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