I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I am puke
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
