'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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