You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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