even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Vodka?
Forever.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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