I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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