Me. At least after what I've been through.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I will pee on everything he values.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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