she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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