This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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