He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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