hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
