I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
