Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
