Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
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Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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