i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
