i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
