my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
