she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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