Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
