Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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