I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
