Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
