Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
